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posted by dominic vine of the Owls alias dominicvine on Monday 8th of July 2013 04:27:55 AM

35.34 ahhh I felt like I'd slept a long time but it was only six hours ten AM good morning I looked at my phone and saw Magnus had called I called him back he was telling me he'd left the elf books at the front desk for me . . . I imagine their luggage was too full for them! always the packing. . . the girls said good bye and I lay back in bed I've been calling Magnus through Skype on my phone so it costs me very little still very expensive for him point being laying back in bed I saw I had all these messages on Skype just answering a few it was only minutes before some fat horny Columbian in jackson heights was jerking off in front of his computer asking me to come over and do coke with him ah. . . click I looked through other morning messages Craig had to cancel no explanation given no advancement we're still on the same plane we were before I started to settle into the disappointment energy of plans cancelled. . . a text from shut I know up here that said "how do you feel when you write these incredible intimate intense writing and people respond saying 'oh, you're sexy'" not much it's tricky being a sex object I'm not much interested in it but it's not terribly offending me as it did for a while it's old hat for me I can do it any age can do it I can do it to other people wooohooo I'd just rather have other relationships . . . but I'm not as good at them I decided to transfer files from my iPad apps consolidating my video downloaders into one I signed on to silverdaddies and fell down that hole for a little while a bunch of messages in one of my more anonymous profiles an old friend just sent me a message in full sex-object mode I thought yeah, why not the way he write me is not our usually dynamic so lets try it but before I was ready to leave the house my sister called she was being sweet asking me about a birthday present but our conversation turned to the mother of our childhood friends just diagnosed with stage four lung cancer the kids, our old friends, may move back to Indiana to help her and could I donate some money to their plane tickets? they're not my friends anymore neither of them talk to me and their mother never liked me . . . and I didn't think she was a good mother anyway drug addict turned "Christian" addict and after my experience with Leo "dying" I understand people have to go through this crystallization before they die distilling themselves to their essence to finish their human experience it can take along time our conversation turned to the existential horror if time and the infinite hopeless depression in our family all of us falling into pits of being blind to love and gratitude my uncle and grandfather drinking themselves to death the rest if us just in a deep fetid depression wearing a smile horrid that succeeded in dropping me back into my depression I showered and watered my plants and took some nutmeg and D3 but was so caught up in screaming along to "the queen of Denmark" that I forgot to take some Kanna so standing on train platform I sang along to Kevin saying "I never wanted to be your little friendly abject failure" nice there is a drill in the sidewalk that's been there for almost a week now a huge drill bigger than me some cones around it how long will it live there? there were some Latinas standing in front of the subway tunnel smiling the wind pumping out if there blowing their hair back the wonders of the modern world I'm going to go see my old friend maybe only for an hour the go see Koos, I think take him out to jackson heights but some more Indian towels I love them maybe meet tony at spa castle maybe go to ny jacks maybe go to Tony's and fix the bike there and go riding today is actually the day of the progression the day the sun moves into it's proper degree 35 but I'll have to be satisfied with turning 35 tomorrow at the new moon I'll trim my hair a bit get plowed maybe love it go for a bike ride maybe work a client see some awesome storytelling from a Scottish guy any other plans? top of the rock? broadway show? god, I felt a failure of a nyc tour guide I only enabled them to spend a shit ton of money in the nyc tourist machine . . . but that's what they wanted they were very happy about the experience very grateful and paid for the tickets for my shows and tours and gave me a few hundred bucks but I didn't get to enjoy things much I was too concerned with making sure they were ok helping them along I want to be near the water tomorrow the Hudson will be fine maybe I'll lay naked in the sun on a rock for a minute for old times sake hope I don't get arrested ... "How can I be 'out of danger' if I'm not dead?" - Rachel, Rachel . . . I was thinking as I walked down 37th ave that despite the gigantic spread of the world i've always found my imagination to be bigger . . . I'm not sure what the perfection of my desires looks like but I certainly don't aim for them I pursue small desires that never satisfy me . . . start with the basics then get lost in the details? or meander through the details letting the structures present themselves? ... how did the day really go? I went to meet jeff so late he was stoned and happy I wasn't either he had about coming over a cute boy but I wasn't in the mood anyway so I played with the two of them maybe ten minutes then bowed out and walked over towards Westville for lunch I needed some FIBER I called Koos he said he'd meet me and eat with me so I decided to use my waiting time to eat some FroYo (OhNo!) a selections from 16 Handles I thought of all the stuff I intended to share with the Icelanders I'm glad I took all of it in stride that's something I learned as a traveller as well: it is just as important to make plans as it is to be completely not attached to them in the days of our mercury retrograde Koos was having trouble finding the joint today but he was fine with eating out side he got challah French toast I had a few bites it was delicious I had Brussels sprouts, kale, snow peas and heart of palm we both ate most of it then took a cab to his work room he stretched out my hat and have me a lovely hug a sweet and comfortable embrace he's been giving me such loving hugs lately we should be hugging all the time but I'm a bit of a zombie and decided to go to NY Jacks I didn't think my red espadrilles were the best option he let me wear a pair of grey simple shoes was I walked over towards 5th ave and the rest of the day I thought of his feet in these shoes and will he like these shoes more now knowing my feet were in them? the party was OK all in all I'd rather not have the hottest guy there, for me, was an old uncut farmer from Missouri who comes to nyc every month for a long weekend . . . and a little furry older old jewish guy meh I'm not a good judge of anything when I'm like this (". . . how can you be smiling, saying 'how can you be sure?'") I walked from there to the 7 train at Bryant park ("is True Love a long walk through Bryant Park?") which, because of construction was not stopping where I was going so I walked a mile through queens which was kinda nice kinda shitty stupid fucking cars designing the streets and houses dumb fucking cars I bought the Indian towels I came here I bought some Indian sweets I bought some Malawi Kulfi I texted the coke snorting Peruvian (not Columbian, so the coke makes seance: it's their national and historical crop) who lived out here and because Koos didn't come with me I had to get myself into trouble (i want to bring Koos here to see the sari fabrics. . . he probably knows anyway, but. . . he said it was too hot today, though he didn't want to be the seventh person who said no to me today. . . ) he told me to meet him at a gay bar out here? Folks: Jackson Heights appears to have Four gay bars! and clubs and a big porn sex movie theater thing I never knew and the bar I met him at was called FRIENDS Tavern it was like a small town gay bar lots of lesbians and gays none of them pretty and polished young and old and some old trans lady who insisted she knew me when the fellow showed up he was all horny showing me his cock by pulling up his shorts showing off his belly being a total flirt and running to the bathroom frequently and coming back with white shit all over his nostrils when he kissed me my lips and tongue went a little numb I was totally turned on I fucking hate that people like this light up my passion and I found among the list of his attributes besides drug addict he was also a liar and player and maintenance man ohhhh, que sabor! que lindo! Guapo Gordito! ay mama! he kept telling me to buy him drinks ask other people for cigarettes for him he told me he had no money and couldn't invite me home I bought him a beer he told me I could get us a cab to this theater it would only cost about ten dollars and was $15 to get in I could pay for the cab and both or admittance and could I buy him a beer I bought him a beer and talked with him but when I let him know that was all he was getting from me he went to the bathroom and did more coke then took out his wallet handed me a twenty and told me to go but us more drinks this is kinda fun, I guess (sigh) I drank another drink and heard more stories of the neighborhood then left him good night sexy fat man I walked back to India I I I ate alone at the jackson diner thinking of my Icelanders whatever chatting with busy bears on Growlr whatever paneer, ummmmm my stomach is getting fat get fat! wooohooo I paid and left walked to the F behind a beautifully furry indian man fur bristling around his wide necked long white shirt (wassitcalled?) took the F down to w4th hi tony then took the A home writing on the train now past the fat men I stare at and the skinny tired sad-as-show beggars and homeless people hi hi in want to pass the fuck out when I get home it's the god damn new moon I want to wake up reborn on a June evening in the year 3000 hold beauty I'll be reborn I'll be reborn in an interstellar burst I'm back to save the universe how's my driving?

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