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/Love/-Volume One

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posted by Nathan John Price alias Nathan John Price Photography on Monday 15th of May 2017 09:36:12 PM

/Love/- Volume One “Hey its me, uhm i don't know if you're going to get this or even try to listen to this. But i wanted you to know that i love you alright? I know last night was fucking hard but we were both in horrible spots and i will take full blame for it all starting. Fuck listen i know it was my fault. You just really hurt me, constantly talking ill of my friends, and of others. It has drove me crazy, every night i contemplate whether or not to break off my friends for you, i mean we pretty much fucking proved last night that i couldn't, or i did. Fuck i don't know, just if you are listening to this, please dear god pick up. Just please give me a call back, i would love to hear your voice.” Call Number Two “Alright i tried not to call you but it's been like…. Fuck a day? Doesn't sound like much but this is the first time we haven't talked since christmas. And hey it was fucked up what you did…. Don't go around telling everyone that we broke up and how awful of a boyfriend i was. That's purely fucked up, you know i told my friend that we couldn't take anymore? You know how hard that was? I did that for your fucking ass. Are you happy? Fuck!!! You know i have been nothing but patient Katie but, fuck how much longer are you going to make me wait? A week? A month? Who fucking knows i just want you to call me back, please katie call me back you're killing me..” What am i doing here? Roses in my hand as if i were going to ask someone to marry me. I look like a fool, rain droplets everyone around me as if it represented every tear i dropped while together with katie, i knocked more than twice on the door, one to many and i would seem needy. The door steadily opens to see katie's mother. “Nathan?” she said happily “Hey Miss Rowlands is Katie home?” “She is, she's just taking a bath.” “Okay cool, do you know what time she would be getting out?” “Uhm Katie!!!!” “Oh no you don't have to” “Katie you have a visitor!!” “You don't have to i can come back!” “No don't be silly, you're her boyfriend” “I'm really glad to see you two doing so well together, never saw katie so happy in my life.” Fuck me, does she still think were together, how could katie not tell her mother first, it's been a week? She practically told her whole school about how i fucked everything up, but not her own mother or father? Fuck. “Mom i can't.” “Yes you can katie….” “Fine..” “She will just be a moment i promise nathan.” “Sounds good, thank you again for calling her.” “Oh no problem at all sweetheart.” “Oh what pretty flowers, katie will love them.” “Awesome!” I waited five minutes to see her beautiful face, every moment of me fucking up kept popping in my head. So much deception and pain, but who am i to care? She loved me and i loved her. That's all should matter… She then walked out as beautiful as ever, no makeup, no nothing, this is the first time i saw her in this state and i loved her more than when she pretended to be something she wasn't. “Nathan” she said almost crying “Hi honey.” She grabbed me and pulled me in… “What the fuck are you doing here?” she said in tears “I just came here to drop these off.” She looked as if she was in awe. “Do you like them?” “Like them?” “I love them!” “That was so sweet of you.” Her body felt so welcoming, her touch felt so familiar, i was home. But i didn't know as if we could get back together, something was holding us back. Fucking was she wanted half of the time and i couldn't bare to do that with her, i could still see it in her eyes, she did not change. But either did i, her touch did not change. It was the only time i felt happy, why would i not even attempt to get this back? She stroked my back and i felt each chill going up my spin, her touch was so delicate much like one that a mother has towards her infant. “I'm so sorry katie.” “For what?” “For what happened last week.” “Shush honey it's no big deal.” For some reason those words seemed fabricated, ones that were not of reality. Ones that were to only pleased the illest of minds, much like mine. But even all the arrogance in the world couldn't bypass this one, i am not arrogant to her anger, i can hear it in that one statement. “Are you sure? How can i make it up to you?” “You just did.” Strangely enough she will not look me in my eyes, much like when we broke up. She claimed it was to stop her from crying but i see it as a way of not seeing her true intentions. I don't know, maybe it could be both. “Honey can i look at you?” “No i will start crying.” “Okay, i mean i just want to see your face? Please?” “I can't..” “Okay.” She was acting strange, as if she was acting. I don't understand why she was acting so strange, i assume it's because of the awkward tension that comes with a break up, i just don't see it as a breakup, simply a mistake that was not made to happen, it shouldn't have happened. It sounds horrible, but if this what it takes for her to change then i'm glad it happened, i mean the strangeness of her grip lead to me wanting more, it felt like she actually cared for once. The empty grip she once had seemed to be fulfilled with something of passion. It was something that was new and lovely, i shall chase this feeling. “Honey i hate to leave but.” “No please?” “My mom drove me here,i feel so rude keeping her waiting, i'm so sorry.” “Please?” “Katie i'm sorry but i have to go… i will text you? Is that cool?” “Hell yeah it is.” “Perfect.” She walked me to the door, she admitted to me that she couldn't look at me because she would want to kiss me, she said she couldn't resist if she looked at me. That worried me, she still had that drive, that undying need to fulfill her sexual needs. The tenison only seemed to hit one side, and that was hers. I didn't see katie that way, i saw her as my girlfriend of three months. And that was all. It wasn't of cold descent it was mostly built of fear for pregnancy, i couldn't have a child at sixteen? Thats fucking nuts and i wouldn't even have loved it. We both made eye contact and it was over. We kissed and it felt real, it wasn't something made out of sexual needs. It was a remorseful kiss, i could feel it in her lips. I saw our whole relationship flash before my eyes while we locked lips, i saw every mistake. Every slip up, every truth and every lie. “That was amazing.” She didn't say another word just kissed me again but this time it felt as if nothing changed, the first one felt real and this one felt fake. I didn't feel anything while she felt it all. This was always our problem…. Every kiss after felt like a selfish need she had to fulfill. The moments preceding our lifeless kiss our a blur to me, i don't remember much now, i just lay here in my bed writing to katie telling her that our night was one that was of magical being. My honesty never did go to far in this life, truthfully i didn't feel anything, the love i once had was dwindling away, i felt it hanging from a broken piece of rope, the yarn was detaching every small moment it could, i was on my last string with katie…. /Love/ Not another word was spoken a week after that kiss, the events that transpired only lead miserable causes into horrid resolutions. I wasn't going to change and neither was she. Nothing was to save this fucked relationship, nothing at all. And i can look back upon this relationship and reflect every small mistake that i made and see them as one that is giannoumis. I blame myself still to this day for everything that did happen, i put my heart in the wrong place, thinking that it was going to be secure in the arms of a lover who didn't even know how to secure her own heart. We were both fragile to this world, the smallest wind could of destroyed us… and it did, every argument was a piece fit to the puzzle. Each sleepless night was a reminder that this wasn't going to last. But nonetheless my thoughts stayed negligent to the thought of breaking up with her, it didn't seem logical until that dreaded night. I remember ending it. I felt as if i made the most horrid mistake in the world, but looking back now…. I see it all, when months pass you begin to see your life from an outside perspective, and the first thing i noticed about that night was…. Was that she never dropped a tear, she claimed to have, but this i never saw. Maybe it's my paranoia but i don't think as if she was to heartbroken by my shocking conclusion. As i wasn't her only lover. Nor will i be her last, she didn't see me as a boyfriend or a lover, she saw me as a task. One she had to compete with the task of having sex. That's how she saw love, that's how she showed it, a twisted demeanor on life can push someone to think that way. But what was love for her wasn't for me, therefore i was her task, not her lover. I don't even know as if she had taken upon other men in the process of our relationship. I just assume,it sounds horribly selfish but when you take in so much bullshit, you begin to expect it. I assume the worst because she only showed so. And truthfully that's how i have begun to see love, you only get what you expect, and if you expect to me. Well lets just say you wouldn't get what you want. /Love/ Part Two- a quick look back upon each of my relationships brings an overwhelming amount of depression to my brain, i feel as if i'm a child again looking in on a situation that i have no rightful control over, but in this case i do. I look back on each and every one of these girls i have been with and i wonder where did i go wrong? Maybe i didn't, maybe i did. Who's to know but me or her? But ones things for certain the outlook on love from my eyes is seen differently than most. Love has begun a trap to me. It always starts the same, i find someone who shows slight interest in me, while i show full interest in them. It's a paradox of sorts because i begin to overthink everything turning each and every situation worse and worse. I blame myself for not falling in love, or falling to quickly. I always put down these preset rules. This is how i should feel and i should react. But in reality there is no rule to love, no rhyme or reason, just love. I can sadly say i have felt this emotion for these women once, katie was my first love and truthfully it was one of the worst. Nonetheless it was love and i can't fight how i felt as i already felt those emotions. I now can confirm this love by looking back upon the actions i committed for her. You see i found that love makes your mind hazy, you begin to do things you thought you would never do just to please your significant other, just to see that damned two second smile. That feeling is only multiplied when your lover is not easily pleased, and sadly there was only one way to please a certain amount of them. And for that i regret what i did, i feel as if i was of ill mind, one that out of my mind state. But nonetheless i did them and these events i can't take back. What was more horrid to me, was the fact that i can't remember my reasoning for doing such actions, it's all a haze in my mind. A lifeless body walking around doing as it's told. I was a slave to these women and for that i regret, as i feel as if i was of weaker mind and that's why this happened. I don't rightfully blame them, nor do i blame katie. I blame myself for trying to always please them, ignoring each and every argument trying to withhold this pigment of a imagination i had left of a perfect relationship. Each pigment was therefore destroyed over these years. I don't see love the same as i once did. I see it as a place to become that slave again, to be overtaken by the thought of love rather than the act of it. This is how i know see love, as this place to become overwhelmed. A place that's not safe, a place of nothing. /Current/ Happiness in most cases overcomes me, i tend to fight the feelings as they scare me. What could make me happy could disappear the next day, that shit scares the fuck out of me. I guess that's why i run, i guess that why i corner myself. That's why i move so fast, thats why im like this. Why am i like this? I claim to have a definite answer but that i don't, i mean fuck does anyone? I guess in the grand scheme of things were all just trying to find our damn ways in this fucking thing we call life. But as of late i can't help but feel cornered further more than i have ever been before. Everytime i start to feel the sweet lust of happiness it just disappears, back in the day i could pin point it to a definite subject, usually retaining to myself, but now? There is no guilty party, none that i can see. I tend to find it hardest to find my sadness’s answer when i'm alone, they days i am in my somber moods, i tend to close off. I see the world as this dark vessel, i write stories about imaginary people. People who i wish i could be, the hero, the courageous, the loved. I know it sounds clique but the people i create are me, there a bi product of my life. My writings reflect the troubled thoughts within my mind, that's why they tend to ramble, be incoherent and sometimes unneeded. Im sure of it, that even in these writings my brain has wandered off and became a vessel of different discovery. But these moments are the ones i see the world from a third person point of view, as if i was narrating each point in my life. I can look back upon the past moments and feel remorseful but not saddened. This is the only escape i have, so much shit happens to me. And i get cornered, i begin to close off until my heart lets me free for a while. No matter where i am this can occur, especially over these past few months this out of body experience has been occurring, due to my shitty circumstances. I know it sounds like i'm creating the most handsome pity party, but it's just my brutal honesty. Why should i say anything else? I heard so often as a kid, “it could always be worse!” how they fuck do they know? I sound angered but truly i don't understand the saying, just let me have my shitty day, just let me be sad, just let me be. Nike Crop-Tops “A undiscoverable notion of love, can something or someone make me feel as if my vessel is not an empty void? The question arises upon a foggy night without you. But most nights are without the presence of your. And the times i do gaze upon your luxurious beauty, it ends poorly. You're mistaken young love on what the definition of it beholds. Please dear lord don't let her be in heat, as it means nothing but terror for me. Nonetheless darling i don't want to be gazed upon with the eyes of lust. Nor the eyes of deception,yet you do so anyhow. Please don't enter without any permission as i do not want you to be within that presence. No means no, i'm sorry, this particular night has nothing to do with you, nor me, just no heart has been sent between you and me. Yet with all precaution set, you decide to enter a prohibited zone of trust. Lust, please don't decide to place this horrid word upon my sensitive brain. I distance against these acts of love, when love is not felt on both sides. You loved me physically, i loved you emotionally, nonetheless you took it to far. Nike-Crop Tops, show your body far more than i expected, but my business shall not be placed in this area. Nike Crop-Tops are exposing but yet luxurious. Something that has a retail price yet has a cut down to it. Nike Crop-Tops is something so lustful and aw inspired yet something so simple. Relaxation is what she claimed to desire yet it was nothing more than a attention scheme. Guilt was what drived upon my heart, yet acting upon it is never what i did, it was time to go, time to leave a life so dull and horrid. Please darling don't let your life go further down. I'm sorry i didn't feed in, and or give in to what you wanted. It's my fault for what has occurred, for i am nothing more than a weak hearted, swollen soul person. And you darling are nothing more than a clown, wearing nike crop-tops to cover up your shame. Heartland “Hey, its uh been a while, how have you been? Wait that's a dumb question I'm sorry, uh forgot this was a voice inbox, anyways it's been about oh god, three months? Yeah that sounds about right! Today would of been our sixth month anniversary, crazy right? Sorry that sounded weird, what I mean is… I actually don't know what I mean. But uhm I'm calling to- to uhm just check in, how have you been? Heard through the some kids that you got back together with Mark? Uh that's awesome Katie! Truly awesome, I miss you a lot, I was actually thinking about you a couple of days ago, uhm I was talking to my mom, and we brought you up when we passed by your house. Not saying I was at your house, ugh uhm you remember my drive to therapy right? Yeah I pass right by your house, weird right? Anyways we passed by and we began to talk about me and you. Don't worry nothing bad just simple chat about… how things went. After my session got out I began to like- think about you, not in a weird stalker way but like in a friendly way, I remember a couple of months ago you said you would love to be friends. But I said no, my bad! But I'm here to take you up on your offer, I figured that we should like catch up sometime. And chat, if uhm Mark would be like cool with that, don't want to like make anyone made. Oh crap! My bad,Uhm just realized I had been talking for like three minutes. Well I hope you call me back! And I would love to chat, alright I hope to talk to you soon katie. Have a good one.” “Deep within the heartland lies his heart and hers, I know, I know here goes Nathan talking about some metaphorical bullshit! I know it's a common theme in my talks, but it works for the sake of the story I promise. So deep within this heartland lies him, just a small little figure in the grand scheme of the thousands of dying flowers, just on the edge of breaking. Yet there something so beautiful in the way the strive to stay within this garden, so there he is, in the garden of the perished… looking aimlessly for something, what could it be? It's her. A simple yet complex answer. Who is she you ask? Well this I don't know, no one does, you see in the heartland there is no name until given, I know, I know. Sounds pretty forceful right? Not really, I guess all it pertains to is the face he see’s. Once he lays eyes upon the person of his dreams, he will know her name. Yet it's strangely quiet? Why is that? Well that's because there's no one in the garden besides for him. He stands alone vacant in movement, staring aimlessly into the vast distance that is the garden. He has been waiting here for. Six years, the same thing from day till dusk. He doesn't sleep, he's doesn't eat, he just breathes. And looks further for his love. The garden over time has grown grim and pale. And so has he, his skin has wrinkled over these years. But his heart has remained the same, day in, day out, he looks further more into the garden only to see pale picture of dying roses. He shall remain here until, well I'm guessing you know until when. But luckily years pass fast in this land, we have traveled eight long years into the future, the flowers have all but died off, and he is dying to. Yet the girl has not been shown. One gloomy night he is standing with the flowers looking upon the now desolate garden, when he falls over. His back clashes against the flowers, his heart is beating. Faster and faster with each and every breath. It seems to be almost- time for him. Before he takes his last final breath he peers over at a flower, one that was once dead had bloomed once more. A beautiful site it was. He grabbed it gently with his hand, smiled. Then his eyes closed, and darkness overcame him.” Heartland Lone Wolf “Here i lie, dormant in nature, with no sway of the body, no air being pushed out of my lifeless body, no sound besides that of a armored cannon, each chamber makes a louder clink than the last, why shall i load it so far to the brim you ask? Well no mistakes this time. It has been months since i have stared down the barrel of a armored cannon, a horrid vision is one's own life isnt it? I chuckle to myself thinking how redundant this may seem to the lookers outside, a gallant crowd waits upon my next move, each and every motion catches their fancy, i am as if a live performance to them. Shall i dance like a clown? Or tetter like the ballerinas of yore? I shall do nothing of such, for my pride is to intact to subject myself to such crueling terror. They don't laugh, they don't smile, they just pity. But pity is not what i sought after, nor is the glorious eyes of a crowd. No it was nothing more than genuine affection, a prize held so lowly in my world, yet needs the highest of keeping to keep intact. My selfish eyes move around my log cabin, analyzing every nook and cranny keeping the audience on their feet as if to what i will do next. It's not as if i'm a wildcard person, nor a rowdy one. It's just, well i don't know what i am to be exact. They see it through, the crowd they see the true me, yet withhold the information. Why is this? Because it's for me to find, and not for them to show, but alas here i stand with the cannon full to the brim. I can hear their excitement rise with each movement i make once more. My stubborn fingers wrap around the corner, one more pull and a whole would be made within my ceiling. Instead i point the cannon towards my curious head, the crowd gasps. I don't believe they thought they would ever see the day. They gaze eerily at my next move, when i drop the cannon to my side, a horrid sight lets out of the audience, i do find it horrible that they were saddened by my lack of brutishness. I begin to walk towards my door, the crowd begins to back up in a furious manner. As they are in my control, i am not in theres, i begin to grasp the handle on the door… when i'm stopped… by some unyielding force i am stopped. I turn my weary eyes and see nothing. I begin to grasp the door once more and the presence comes back. A faint whisper emits from the shadows. “Don't leave me.” i payed no attention to the seeker that was in the shadows. I grasped the handle once more and opened the door to the unexpecting crowd. I took silent steps towards each individual in the crowd, as i made more and more steps. The crowd began to dissipate, people that were once full of life, are now nothing but fog, with my cannon in hand i marched into the haunting forest. I made a few paces outside of my property and turned around, it was the crowd once more. Gazing upon me with remorseful eyes, i turned back around and saw a ghostly figure of a women. She seemed so familiar. She began to faintly whisper, “It's not your time.” she than grabbed the cannon out of my hand, and disappeared into the morning sky. I walked more paces and found nothing but trees, no crowds, no shadows. Just forest, a huge smile began to cross my face, as i said silently. “Im free.”” Lone Wolf /You/ “I don't deserve love, I didn't deserve you, why did you even love me? There's nothing to me? I speak ill of myself more than I ever would of others, I hate mostly every word I speak, and I freely live my life through fake ideals. What's the was the point of your attention on me? I speak weird I act strange, I am strange. I see it in the eyes of so many, and I saw it in your eyes. I claim to hate you, disdain you, but I'm afraid of you. You live in my head and it's as if no one else can hear your ill words. I feel as if I'm stuck in my own mind, more so the world around me. I create these fake worlds in which none of this didn't happen, I tell grim stories of characters dealing with the tragedies of life when in reality it's a reflection of me. Didn't you see my cries? Didn't you care? Of course not, why would you? I'm nothing more than a self destructive ass aren't I? As you once put it I believe? Who's to claim your wrong though? I mean am in love? Am I out of my mind? Well no. Of course I'm not. People have told me to move on, but I simply can't, you took something from me that I can't get back, my pride. And in place of my once strong pride you lay strong disdain. I disdain towards myself, my pride once was held in my heart, where it now lies within yours. I don't feel like writing descriptive literature, truly It's hard to feel attached to anything. Especially non essential words that reflect what I truly want to say. And that is i'm done. I feel so much of soul go to you each day, its as if you're a different person in my mind, I lie to myself saying that I was the one at fault, but no darling. It was you. Fuck you. I don't need to drop any humble hints anymore, you have affected to much of life you selfish disgusting piece of human trash. I don't feel like covering for you, I have held back for nearly a year now, and I don't care anymore. The implications that may occur don't scare me anymore, you don't scare me. You see you may hold my pride, but you don't hold my will. And you will never get your nasty hands anywhere near them. I told myself as a young boy that there wasn't anyone worse than my father, a man who left my family. Who abandoned us, then I met you. I have never felt more heartbreak in my life, and how dare you speak ill of my name after it's all said it done. You know what, keep my pride, I don't need it anymore. It was only a protective barrier I put up against you, the pride of not leaving you the first second I met you. The pride of sticking up every last second for you, the pride that comes with love. I loved you, but you didn't love me. Don't play me as a fool and or anyone else, you play dumb. But you are a menacing ill hearted human being, and I hope you know that I never will need you. I'm stronger than you, you're a weak pathetic excuse for what a person calls a human being. You're the reason I don't believe in god. Because if this god we spoke of is so real, then why would he create you. I have trouble talking on this topic as it brings so much self misery back to my heart, thinking of you is already a constant task I have to deal with, if I can prevent further thoughts I shall. And hey, I'm fucking proud of myself by the way, remember when you said that I am too hard on myself? You said it cynically, as you knew you were the reason I did so, well guess what? I fucking love myself, and I take solace in that fact. You hate yourself, and I have heard so many say that they feel bad for you. I don't, I hope you forever deal with the pain you have dealt to so many, many have claimed that your ill, no…. you're not ill, your evil. Pure evil, I saw through you and that's why you ran. So I hope you can't sleep at night, I hope everyday of your life is boring, dull, with nothing to it. I hope every boyfriend you further have leaves you. As I don't feel sympathy for you. You're dead to me, you're the reason I speak such ill words like I did above about myself. I hope your life is nothing. I don't want it to be bad because than you would have an excuse to have attention sought your way, no. I want the worst punishment in the world for you. Living life without the attention of others, I hope every drink you take tastes like nothing, I hope every meal doesn't fill you up, I hope every birthday, your candles won't blow out. I hope every time you're wearing a white dress you spill coffee on yourself. I wish you the worst, and I don't feel any sadness saying that. I have spent a year thinking non stop about you, when you haven't even spent a second on me. So for my years of pain to come, I wish you a life of nothing. For the first Time in my life I can firmly say. I don't care about you, you're dead to me. Your grave has been set, and the roses have died, I've moved on. And you are forgotten, and that's how it shall remain. I hope one day karma catches up like a freight train to your doorstep. Goodbye Darling, I've never been happier to say farewell!” The Color Blue- The sky begins to fall, its crescent moon seems nearer to surface than ever before, the air I breath is something of gold, the people are now all but extinct. And where do I stand, near the ocean side, gazing upon the fireworks of destruction that lays upon the earth. Snowflakes lay faster and faster, the air is as cold as the arctic winds. I fear to freeze to death any moment, my family lay next to me still, staring at the same vacant lot that is the world. What is after this? We all wonder. We fought so hard to keep this world ours, and now we have lost. What is next? That is the fearfulness that is overcoming me, but I don't see as why I should be sad. My family rest near I. The love of my life sits next to me, cuddled against my shoulder, why am I sad? This life has never been beneficial for me, why do I become saddened to see it go? This I don't know, with every firework that lays upon the earth, a jump comes from my heart. I'm scared of death, and so is everyone around me, I see it in there beautiful eyes, I begin to stare at everyone, each person has frosted tips across her lips barely making out the color red, snow droplets rained across their hair, and tears rain very frequently, my sights began with my mother, she sat next to my father John, they were the happiest couple I had ever seen in my life, they were the reason I believed in marriage vows. They were the reason I believed in true love. My mother looked happy with life, she had everything she ever wanted, and so did I, my mother conquered this life more than I ever could, and did it gracefully. She was the strongest person I ever met, and that might did not dwindle while she sat staring at the end, it stayed constant, she was not Afraid of what was after as long as we were with her, me, James, Jacob, John. Grandma and Grandpa, that's all that mattered to her, truly her love was unmatched, she loved me and my brothers more than I ever thought some could. She would've died for us, she would've starved for us, she would of made the impossible, possible for us. Even if it took her whole life, she would stop at nothing to see us happy. And as I watch the world crumble I can firmly say that I am going to die happy. And it's all thanks to my mother, I turn to my mother once more and say “I love ya moma” tears rolling down my cheeks, such a simple sentence yet takes a whole different world with a different outlook. I turn to the ocean once more, the waves are crashing, clouds are floating along lower than ever before, but not in a fog like state, no more of a slumber. One that came before a great storm. The sky was a vivid icy blue, the snowflakes painted it into a beautiful canvas, if this was to be my last sighting then, it shall be a beautiful one. I turn back once more and my mother smiles at me. I look over at my father John. The savior of my life, each and every person in my family represents something, my mother was the keeper of life, she loved, and did everything she could to keep me going. My father john, was the savior. Before my father came into the picture our family was struggling, each bill seemed to bring disaster, until he came into our life, I never truly had a father before him. John came in without any hesitation and watched me grow up, he taught me how to play sports, he was the first person who told me I would be great. He saw every bit of potential in me and my brothers, Most parents are in awe of there children when they do good, but john, was in expectancy, it was nothing of new to him, he wasn't in awe because he knew we would do it with no problem. You see awe is being surprised, john was never surprised because he knew we would do it. He had that much confidence in us, I look back once more to see my mother and my father look each other in the eyes, and I see Pure love, not one that's fabricated out of love for the children, they had each other through thick and thin. And I couldn't have chosen a better man to call my father, I turned to john and said “Thank you john.” He of course said something snarky, but I chose to not hear it. He did this quite often to annoy me, all I cared about was that I made him happy. The love of life began tugging on my shoulder, she simply said in awe. “Look…” it was the town across completely in flames, it was so terribly beautiful, something you want to turn your eyes away from but purely can't, my eyes were frozen solid to it, my arms began to freeze quite literally, I felt as if death was soon upon us. I am scared but also happy. It is a strange feeling. I turned back to see my brother jacob, with his girlfriend lissy in hand, they looked so damn happy. I didn't see much of difference between my mothers and fathers love, lissy and jacob loved each other, so damn much. Jacob meant so much to me, he was my best friend, he and Jimmy would always tell me that they got my back no matter what, and they meant it. Jacob always showed me the true potential I withheld in my heart, he showed me my keen eye for art. And showed me what I could do if I applied myself to it. I never saw a man or women bust there ass as much as my brothers did, both of them cared so much for there work, there was nothing stopping them from getting to top. My mother always said I was the mixture of the two together, I had my brother James strong willed opinions, and my brother Jacobs keen eye for art, I also had their compassion and care for their family. You see what I love so much about my brother jacob is the fact that his number one concern is us, over anything and everything, the stars are falling and my brother only cares if we are happy. I guarantee it. Me and him talked so much about what this day would look like, no where did we think we would be together for it. I think this is the happiest we all have ever been in a twisted way, jacob has lissy, mother has john, I have my love, and so does James. Grandma and grandpa, nothing else in the world could make this better. I can die happy knowing jacob would be proud of all that I have done, god knows we have been through so much together, god knows this is just the topper. I remember the day they announced that this would be occurring, I didn't pay much attention to The logicality behind it, I didn't interest me. What showed me great interest was the people's faces. You had the doubters, the great unbarring fruits who were unwilling to see what is the truth, you had the great Christians who screamed god has rise! Then you had people like us, the ones who were unsure but not afraid. What was there to fear. For once in my life I have a sure thing to happen, and as I sit here and freeze I feel no fear, just remorse. I'm so young, I feel as I barely touched the tenderness of life, I never married, I never bared a child, I never….. became what I wanted, yet I felt solace in that fact. In a weird way the whole world was so connected, the world was silent for the first time. No war, no pain, just silence. This silence is the same I bared, it was silence of knowing what could've been. But no time to think of what could've been, the cold is starting to overcome us, I stare at my brother james, he had his usual stare. Nothing had changed, we all still had the same look. But james was so different, in the best way possible. Me and James were beyond similar. Me and him were like clones. Our opinions stayed constant, unchanging. He had my stubbornness and or I had his. We wore our hair the same, we walked and talked the same. It was as if there was another me in this world in the form of my brother, I inhabited so much from both of my brothers, maybe that is why it was so hard sometimes not to fight as children, because we all were so similar. Growing up the youngest was a project of sorts, i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but to say it was a easy pace would be a lie, constant pranks and teaming up was a common necessity, in my household, but they had my back against so many. We were a united front in a lot of ways, not in the bullshit way most people say, we were not typical. Our family was anything from the basic. “How de dowdy” bullshit family, and this resided the most with james, he didn't give us nonsense, he told us straight and for that I am forever grateful, Jimmy was my first and best male role model, i turned to james and said “love ya bud.” I turned to Jake and I started to tear up. This is almost it, I saw my grandparents. They looked so happy, no where in my life could I imagine having a love as pure as there's, they fed off one another. They lived for each other, each and every day it seems as if there love renewed. They were the reason I kept going after girl after girl, they gave me hope that the next one could be the one. I am their age today, me and my love are the same age they were when they met. It is remarkable, how they don't fear the events around them. Grandma was happy to be with the whole family, grandpa happy to be with us and his love. They had nothing to fear, they were ready. And that I couldn't admire more. Thank you grandma for always telling me the truth, you are a true angel, thank you grandpa for being the father I didn't have for so many years. I love you both. I turned to them and said “love you guys.” “Love ya to kiddo.” Grandpa said. And out of nowhere I heard a chattering from behind me. It was of course john making a dark joke, I didn't truly hear it, which is a shame. It probably was good. Another tug came on my arm. Everyone at the same time began to look at one spot. A bright light was coming out the sky, it was the sun. It was beautiful, it reflected across the ocean side so gracefully, it kissed it so gently that it made the last image I might ever see beyond perfect. I looked at my love, and kissed her on the top of the forehead, she began to weep. “There's no need darling.” “We got this shit.” I was so nervous, I began to feel slumberness overcome me. I look around at my family, I was the first to begin this feeling, my mother began to tear up. “Don't cry now moma.” “I love you guys so much.” “I'm just going to take a nap, wake me up when the worlds ending.” A stumbled laugh came from everyone. I looked once more at the ocean side, and closed my eyes. The Color Blue(Fin) The Color Blue is based off New Waves One, Two, Three Seeking a friend for the end of the world Atlantis- Luke Christopher Death Overload I hate how the sun seems brighter than ever before, why is this so? Why do I hate more people than I ever have before? My heart is overwhelmed with a grave darkness. But I assume that's nothing of note to anyone's ear at this point. My depression seems to be a global issue more or less in which the world won't help me, like I so direly try to help it. Truly I don't see the point in trying to be this second coming of goodness that I want to be, I've lost so much faith in humanity. I was thinking one starry night of what I was the reasoning I was on this planet. In a brief period of belief of religion I found myself thinking that I was to be the helper of the world, one that spent most of his energy focused on others energy. This did make me happy. I felt as if it gave me purpose, the whole situation made me feel valuable. For the first time I felt like I was more than just a ugly face. I pursued this occupation but found nothing but misery, sure I did help in good, but also the bad. It was pure ignorance to the opposition of good versus bad, one who feels as if he is a born helper doesn't learn the word no, just simply ignores it. It does not slip off the tongue like many of words do, no response ends in a reasoning with no behind it. Truly I put myself up on a stole so high that even my own self regard was tainted, the being of my existence was to help others? I felt it every time I prayed yet nothing ever came out the other ends mouth. I may have had a feeling of solitude with the subject but truly it wasn't of good faith. I wasn't this Christian that I thought or told myself I was, I wasn't anything. Every time I prayed I felt nothing, and this went for my purpose as well. I feel as if I fabricated the false reality that was my helping mind. I made it to protect myself from the problems that troubled me deeply. The canvas was so far painted with red that a dot of orange would be unseen. That color was the color of me. I was fabricated, not by society, not by my life, by me. I made who I was even if it was for the better or for the good. This ideal of being the good person was fabricated, fake. A lie to society to hide my deep problems, a reiteration to restate the problems. When I apologized it was truly to myself, it was my form of selfishness, in a selfless manner. Even to this day this subject matter confuses me, I have read some complex materiel in life, but none as complex as the emotions I feel every day. This even resides to this day, I have lost this good guy motif, but have attracted many of new idealizations, the newest one being the lust for love, no matter who's arms it's in. I just want to feel it. This has lead me down many of dark paths in which I have already delved so deep that the canyon is now nothing more than a small rabbit hole. I spoken so many times on the subject that I feel as if it has been dumbed down to the listener, I feel as if this problem keeps haunting me, but I can't speak upon it to others because it has been said so many times before. So that leaves the thoughts to be vacant within my mind, bouncing from corner to corner trying to gain the attention of its owner. I try my best to ignore these thoughts but at some point--- they force their way out. And after many of self destructive breakdowns my mind is tired. I view the world in a more cynical way, afraid of the words I speak. Fearing what one might think of what I speak, I'm afraid yet so calm. My cynical side makes the days seem longer. School is nothing more than a cancer, a place we're people go to tute their own horns about how amazing they are. Teachers expecting homage for every word they teach, niceness expected to be paid back. All selfish deeds that are carried out, cliques of people crowding a area, giggling at a new student who just doesn't quite fit their ideal sight of a human being. When In reality the ideal human being to them, is nothing at all. Malevolent human beings all being brought to one for ground. To all be miserable together, I feel as if any positive enters within the system causes a malfunction, there twisted minds don't know how to bear a person of any nice upbringing. The same goes for the work force and any place people are forced to be together. Human interaction is a contraceptive in many of eyes, think of one night sex escapades, why would such an event happen? Sex is the beautiful act of showing affection towards someone, it doesn't mean love just affection. Nothing is less affectionate than a one night sex parade. It is the definition of human interaction scaring the two companies. They figure they have to please a sexual side of their animalistic nature, and instead of building a relationship, therefore making the love more enjoyable. They skip any form of happiness that could be persuade. They have sex once and then leave it at that, maybe I'm a cynical person but I find that impossible for me to do, there's no passion, just body parts. My nature has been changed to hate such things that could be loved, I'm disgusted by one night adventures but in awe of old love. I blame myself for training myself to be this way, I think I have forcefully pushed out the experimental portion of my mind, if anything is brought up about sex I shut down. Many of people have tried to convince me to do such acts, and sadly that good person I buried, comes out of his tomb. I still struggle to say no, and when I do. My voice doesn't count. My weak statements don't prove anything of strength, my sternness is nothing of value, it is laughed upon like a circus clown. I've given up….. Volume One, End.



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