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Naughty Prophetic Hand Predicts... The Finger!

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posted by Patrick alias Immortal Thrill-Seeker on Sunday 23rd of October 2005 02:37:21 PM

Not that it was requested, but I was inspired by the inimitable Fubuki to come up with my very own "100 Things About Me" List. Here goes: I once had a dream where I hugged a girl who subsequently purred like a cat. It was wonderful. I wish someone would put in a pill what makes dogs so happy. That being said, I think most prescription drugs are over prescribed. I was a DJ at an African-American radio station when I was 16. I think lemurs are cute. It wouldn’t surprise me if science proves one day in the future that some forms of cancer are caused by boredom. I’ve never known a red-headed guy I liked and fear having a child with a woman who grows up to be a red-headed guy I don’t like. I had a cat named Figment who I named before I knew what the word meant. I saw the name on a little plush toy dragon at a friend’s place when I was young. I found out years later that it was a Disney character. My poor cat. I think Disney cartoons are the worst, except Ducktales. I think the Coen Brothers are highly overrated, but I liked Clooney’s performance in 2 of their movies. Okay, the Hudsucker Proxy was great for the first 45 minutes. And I've really only seen John Turturro's excellent entrance in the Big Lebowski. And I loved Tom Hanks in the Ladykillers. Alright, I've changed my mind about the Coen brothers. I love summer, hate fall and winter, but when it gets cold, I love a steaming hot bowl of clam chowder with loads of black pepper after I’ve spent a long time in the cold. I believe women are masters of indulging their spirit, i.e. pampering themselves with a massage, manicure, day spa, and men would be wise to learn from this and treat themselves well for the sole purpose of feeling good. I like cats about 5 to 10 percent more than dogs, but love them both for different reasons. I believe that growth, fear, and courage are inextricably intertwined. I’m spiritual and not agnostic. Agnostic means that “the ultimate cause, or God, is not knowable with human knowledge.” Who says? Maybe I’ll have that ultimate epiphany. I may get there yet. I believe that if you say you definitely believe in any one thing or way of thought, you cut yourself off from many enlightening streams of new thought you would never have had access to had you not remained open. I’m a second-class intellectual. The scent of vanilla calms me greatly. When women wear it, it’s intoxicating. My neck is somewhat long, and in elementary school, a classmate called me E.T. a couple times. If common sense were so common, then everyone would have it. I like to think I have uncommon sense. I looked like Wil Wheaton up until I was about 12. I believe racial prejudice is a non-issue. I was over it long ago. “Equality for everyone!” Now move on. Please. That being said, in the world in which we currently reside, I think that being a decent-looking white male can be a useful genetic camouflage at times. I’m glad I was born a man, so I may love women. But, guys gross me out physically and I wish sometimes I were prettier. I appreciate how much goes into a woman’s physical presentation, but it sometimes seems like a nasty obsession. I like that women’s handwriting is cute. I graduated from trucking school, but never used my CDL. I learned how to line dance once and enjoyed the dancing far more than the country music I was dancing to. I think Eddie Murphy’s last funny moment was Boomerang in ’92. He hasn’t made me laugh since. Any restaurant that serves breakfast at all times of the day makes me smile. I love soft waffles and light and fluffy pancakes. I believe in having role models and mentors even as an adult. I think that being boring is the 8th deadly sin. I think that the remix of Elvis’ “A Little Less Conversation” is one of his best songs ever. I think Prince is one of the best guitarists ever. I think Frank Zappa is an underrated guitar god. I have no fear of death, but I absolutely dread chronic pain in my later years. I’m a breast man. I believe tripods hamper a photographer’s creativity when not used for macros. And, should be treated like a loaded gun around your family: used rarely and judiciously : ) If I really like a song, I can listen to it over and over again for well over an hour. I believe vegetarianism makes little sense outside of preventing the undue pain of animals. Plant LIFE. Animal LIFE. Both are alive. The deal I struck from the time I was born was this: Something must die so that I might live to die another day. I don’t believe in animal testing. Period. I believe in absolute freedom of speech and thought. But please try to be nice. I think George Carlin is one of the best stand-up comedians of all time and has only grown better with age. I think Henry Rollins is an underrated stand-up comic. Seriously! I think Dave Chappelle’s Rick James sketch is the best piece of sketch comedy I’ve ever seen. My favourite outgoing phone mail message went like this: (delivered in a hyped up salesman tone) “You have reached the drug dealer of FUN! If you wanna have FUN, you come to me, and I’ll give you a HIT!” It generated more laugh messages than anything else I’ve ever done. It makes me smile just thinking about it, and always made me feel good when I’d check my messages and hear strangers or H&R Block reps laugh at it. Cool. I think prisons should actually rehabilitate and that we should ask how the people inhabiting those prisons got there. And, that those who use drugs aren’t criminals. However, my view doesn’t abdicate personal responsibility. I think the jury system is in need of reform. Read “Extraordinary Popular Delusions & the Madness of Crowds” by Andrew Tobias. I believe right & wrong go out the window when it comes to survival, and if there ever was a time not to judge, it’s in those moments. I believe that going into any conversation with the intent of making one person right and one wrong is futile. Unless it’s really funny. I committed an entire year to trading stocks in an attempt to escape the rat race. I came out about even. I was very bored most of the time, but wanted out so badly. I still wonder if I could make it work. I killed a bird when I was young. I was idly throwing rocks at a flock of birds and didn’t think I’d actually hit one. I did. It died instantly. It was a sparrow. I felt terrible. I think old school rap is the best and that Dr. Dre’s The Chronic was the catalyst for rap’s downfall. Oh, and I can’t stand Eminem. My sense of humour offends many people, along with my views on the world. I’m an underachiever, but believe I’m capable of great things. Haagen-Dazs’ Bailey’s Irish Cream ice-cream may be my all-time favourite ice-cream. I also really like Chubby Hubby and mint chocolate chip. Oh, and peppermint ice-cream too! I love mangos. I prefer fruit pies over cream pies. I love Yankee Candles, both for their scents and the pretty pictures on the front. I want to travel the world with anyone with as much of a voracious appetite for travel as I do. I want to learn how to speed read and read an entire encyclopedia. I sometimes feel I’m the super-confident actor in a movie I recently saw. It feels good. I’ve actually used it as a tool in certain situations. I love interviewing for jobs more than having a job. I can be anyone for 5 minutes and find it amusing. It concerns me that I rely on an employer to make my living. I believe in Karma. I have the same razor (different blades, of course) and telephone that I had when I was 16. I can be too logical and am trying to purge this from myself in favor of intuition. I exercise regularly. I can’t spend a whole day in my apartment. I want to tie up Lucky (of Lucky Charms) and Lady Luck, throw them in my trunk, and force them to pick lottery numbers for me at gunpoint. I have a decent talent for writing. I have a list of funny names I’d like to give cats: Baby Swiss, Toilet Brush, Petronius the Arbiter (Heinlein reference). I have a list of things that go well together in pairs: drinkin’ and smokin’, bitchin’ and moanin’, chocolate and peanut butter, etc. My earliest masturbation memories are from about the age of 3 to 5. Not sure exactly. Nike Air running shoes are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn. I hope they’re not made in a sweatshop, but if they are, I’d still wear them and implore Nike to stop that business practice. I’ll pay more. I love thunderstorms when I’m in bed at night, especially if it’s really explosive and raining hard. Blue is my favourite colour. I wear it well. I’d rather it be 110 degrees than 65. I’m attracted to the desert. When the shirt’s off, I like soft, swollen nipples. When the shirt’s on, I like them hard. I don’t usually like people who were born in the same month as me. I’m terrible at oral storytelling, but would love to get good at it. I have a beautiful Fender Stratocaster I’ve tried to learn to play 3 times, but it still hasn’t taken. I have good-looking hands. No one’s ever complimented me on them, but I think they’re smashing! I love the night and what it does to me. I love an early morning walk. I’ve always wanted to see the pyramids of Egypt. I want to go skydiving. I want to go for a hot air balloon ride. When I was 17, I came close to drowning in a river and a very peaceful feeling came over me. It may have been at that point that I no longer had a fear of death. I believe it’s unreasonable to expect that any one person will be everything for you. That’s too much pressure for anyone. I think that a forehead massage before I go to sleep is very relaxing. Even if it’s administered by myself. I hate using public transportation. I’m very grateful to have a car. I never got into the Beatles. When I travel, I prefer to stay at a Motel 6. The Beastie Boys are the only relevant white rappers consistently making good music, but Kid Rock was good for a couple albums. I feel pretentious carrying around a tripod in public. I feel incessant use of cell phones, palm pilots, and iPods is unhealthy. My left eye sees colour just a little different from my right eye. I’m a little over 5’11” and wish I would have hit 6 feet. I never lie and say I’m six feet tall. I once saw my doppelganger on a light rail who looked a lot like me, but 5 years younger. I love the smell of marshmallows. I recently totaled my 2005 Toyota Corolla and was overjoyed that I no longer had to make payments on it. I bought my next car outright. I wrote a funny poem about my penis. I have a story idea for a children’s book about a scab that fell off a boy’s elbow after using “Hurry Heal” brand ointment and gives the boy helpful advice. I have another story idea for a children’s book about a boy who saves his village from utter destruction by pouring Pepto-Bismol into a nearby active volcano. I once had the job of recruiting random people on the streets of downtown Portland, Oregon to come and work for a temp agency on a cold morning. I discovered that you can judge a book by its cover 90% of the time and be right. The other 10% will surprise you. I also discovered that the strange women I approached on the street were much nicer and more receptive than I would have expected. The men were almost exactly how I expected them to be. My hair looks better when I use gel. It’s dark and shiny! Asian women have the softest and most flawless skin I’ve ever seen. Ajo, Arizona is the prettiest small town I’ve ever seen. I don’t have many great stories about myself, except for the night I spent in an amazingly cheap hotel near Death Valley. I carve a killer pumpkin. I still have the Milli Vanilli album and listened to it recently. I still like a few tracks. I like to stroke the back of my head after I get a haircut. It feels so soft. I love the smell of hot-buttered, movie theatre popcorn. I love the energy of the crowd at a sporting event, but hate all sports except boxing. I came up with a list of humorous porn video titles. My favourite being: “Snuggle My Dumper” I love the presentation of food. Especially a well-crafted dessert. I’ll go into a pastry shop or chocolaterie just to admire the beauty of it all. I love my thesaurus.

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