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posted by Erica Motter alias the-memorial-electric on Monday 30th of September 2013 02:06:27 PM

29 September 2013 I spent my day today being lazy. I woke up feeling the effects of the previous night (chupitos, chupitos--thanks, Hungarian man) and didn't really have a lot of ambition to go do anything. But--it's Sunday! So nearly all the stores are closed anyway. So I eventually got up and went over to Isabel's to use the wifi. I was hanging out in the living room when the family came back from their weekend in the country. I talked to Joaquin a bit, and he says that tomorrow in the afternoon we can go together to Vodafone and Movistar to compare the rates and contracts for internet plans. I'm really looking forward to getting wifi in my apartment. It sounds like a whiny lazy thing to say, but it would be so much more convenient. Especially when this computer is my primary mode of communication with home… I mean, I'm using my phone all the time for WhatsApp and whatever random social networking I can do, but for skyping or typing long emails, it would be better to have wifi. ALTHOUGH… I also really love receiving physical mail! Please, please send me mail. I take an excessive amount of delight in receiving handwritten letters. Address it to: C/ Barcelona 4 Atico 04700 El Ejido Almería, Spain I won't be so slow about getting back to people like I was last year, I promise. I have lots of stationery and little cards, and I like drawing pictures. So PLEASE, everyone, anyone, send me letters or notes or whatever. I just think it's so fun to get and write real letters. Back home I mostly just receive bills and credit card offers. Anyway, so I came back to my apartment and did… nada. Well, not NADA, but not much. I think sometimes one of the difficult things to conquer in life is just being OKAY with yourself and your preferences. Well, it seems to come naturally to some people, but it's difficult for me. I sometimes feel this weird pressure to act a certain way or do a certain thing. For example, I don't like going out (to bars and clubs) as much as a lot of people I know. Like, I enjoy going with a big group of friends and talking or drinking or whatever. But I don't like MEETING people that way quite as much, and I don't like going out ALL THE TIME. I don't know. Thinking more about it, I really DO like going out, but I suppose not as much as others. And more than that, I don't like the OBLIGATION or EXPECTATION about it. I like doing what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. Which is sort of an obvious statement. But sometimes I have people telling me I SHOULD be out. Like, it's EXPECTED that you go out on a Saturday night. Or several times each week. Otherwise, you're "not fun" or "lame" or whatever. But I hate being bored, and sometimes going out is boring to me. Or sometimes I'm tired. Or I don't feel like making myself look nice. Or I'm really itching to read, or watch a movie, or start a project instead. OR, sometimes I really just don't feel like being around very many people and "performing" social acts. I am kind of a weird person, and being socially "normal" takes effort for me. And I hate feeling like I have to apologize for that, or make excuses, or face the scrutiny of being called "uncool." Or even worse, "boring." I've never been more insulted than when someone has called me boring. That's basically saying "Despite the fact that you're a human being with interests and feelings and preferences, you just aren't worth my consideration because the things that interest you don't interest me." It's such a self-important thing to say! I call people boring sometimes, but I recognize it as a very negative thing to say about someone. "Boring" is purely subjective, so I shouldn't find it so insulting, but it just makes me feel so indignant and inferior. It just makes me want to ream someone a new asshole and point out all the things I see wrong with them, or boring about them. But I know it's just me being hurt and petty and wanting to hurt someone back, and not really a justified thing to say. BECAUSE "BORING" IS TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE. But sometimes I still get hung up on it. And so today I did laundry, listened/sang along to The Magnetic Fields all day, prepared and ate some food, cleaned my apartment (My parents don't believe me, but I like to be neat! And these white marble floors need swept often because they show everything), lounged, texted, took some pictures, enjoyed the air on my terrace, drew, and painted. Cooked some dinner and half-watched "Regreso al Futuro" on TV, haha. Yet I sometimes feel this weird nagging, like, "SHOULD I BE GOING OUT MORE? SHOULD I BE TRYING TO MEET MORE PEOPLE? IS IT WRONG TO STAY IN MY APARTMENT ALL DAY?" But it's like, "should" according to whom? There isn't really a "should." The only thing I "should" do is whatever the hell I feel like doing at the moment. I can't let some abstract concept of what the rest of the world is doing spoil my enjoyment of life. That's dumb and toxic. I've let it do that before, though. Like, it sucks so much to be like "all I want to do is stay home and watch this movie in a tshirt and eat chips and salsa" but then feel guilty the whole time because you think you "should" be wanting to do something more social. I'm getting over all that. If I want to watch Netflix in Spain, I'm going to watch Netflix in Spain. If I want to spend my Saturday night reading or lying around alone on my terrace with blankets, music, wine and cheese, then that's what I'll do. Sometimes, people act like you're letting life pass you by when you do those things. BUT, NO, I'm just spending it the way I want to. Of course I'm going to feel like going out other nights. Of course there will be days when I'm itching to leave my apartment and explore and talk to everyone I meet. It's not the activities that I take issue with, it's the PRESSURE that gets to me. But you know, that pressure is all just in my head, because it's no one's business but my own how I choose to spend my time. This is a good thing for everyone to learn, especially me. END RANT. (I'm sure lots of people will read that and go "HOW INSECURE, WHY DOES SHE WORRY SO MUCH? WHY DOES SHE THINK ABOUT THAT SO MUCH?" Hey y'all, I'm an anxious human who's learning how to stop being so anxious. It's a process and I like to share the things I struggle with, even if it doesn't always make me look good.) So yeah, I didn't do much with my day and it was cool. I never had fresh figs before coming to Spain, but I've since discovered that I LOVE them. So when I was at Isabel's earlier, she gave me freshly-picked figs from the country to take home with me. I was eating a fig and felt like painting, so I decided to use the fig as my subject. I think figs are pretty fruits, actually… the colors are very bright and contrast well, and the shapes and textures are just marvelous. I used gouache paint, and it was my first time ever using it. I really like the paint… it's a bit thinner than acrylic, it seems, but not too thin. I'm still apprehensive about using watercolors, because they're so thin and I feel like I can never quite control them enough. PRACTICE, though, I suppose. The sunset was positively lovely tonight. I took photos of it, but none looked right with today's collage. I think once my internet situation is more stable, I'll start doing blog posts with the photos I've been taking outside of the daily ones, because they're cool. It was also SUPER WINDY today (refer to picture of my hair being ALL OVER). For two days in a row, Olivia and I thought we would go to Almerimar, but this weather is just not good for the beach. I double-clothespinned all my towels and kept checking them while they dried, expecting to see one four stories below on the sidewalk. But nope, they were fine. I showered and tried to get to bed early because TOMORROW IS MY FIRST DAY WORKING IN THE SCHOOL. Wish me luck :)



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