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Vanity! Checking out the look.

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posted by Helene Barclay alias Helene Barclay 1 on Saturday 1st of June 2019 04:53:36 PM

Maybe I’m alone with this but I have noticed when I dress up as a woman I find myself constantly checking out my look. I think a number of factors contribute to this. The big one being, since I was a young boy I have always wanted to become a girl. As I have grown older the desire to spend time as a woman has strengthened and not diminished in any way. As a young man I always believed I would ‘get over’ my desire to spend time as a female but that proved to be delusional. I enjoy spending time as a woman more and more, and it connects with me on deeply emotional level. I have regrets now that I was not brave enough as a young man to embark on the journey to becoming a woman. I took a different path that I now like and value and would not change. I do sometimes become consumed with the desire to be female but I do not wish to jeopardise my family and income by being too indulgent of my own desires. Moving on from that current reality, my embracing transvestism saved me and enabled true self expression. I rarely become a woman and adore the precious few hours I am able to cross-dress and adopt a female appearance. When I have undergone the process of male to female transformation, something that is lengthy and requires much planning in my situation, I am thrilled and euphoric to cease being male for a few hours. I have a deep need to try and pass completely as a woman, I have no desire within me to look like a man but as I am a man I find myself challenged in trying to achieve my inner dream. I do find big psychological changes occur as I work on myself physically to try and look female. As I pluck and shape my eyebrows, shave off my body hair and see my legs, chest and arms become smooth and hairless I felt a deep joy surfacing and a more relaxed sense of self emerging. Tucking away my male genitals and having no bulge really boosts me, I love how it makes me feel more female. Typically at this stage I will apply my make-up at this point and an urgency begins to take root, the awareness I am committing to try and be more feminine than masculine grows exponentially and I have to force myself to be patient and take things steadily. I adore the moment I finally disguise my beard shadow with make-up and this induces a considerable confidence boost that pushes me forward to complete my transformation. I will admit a big thrill courses through me at this stage and I can at times, feel rather light headed. I often need to calm myself before proceeding. In recent months I invested in an airbrush make-up application kit which, though tricky to use at first, produces smooth flawless looking coverage without looking thick on the face. It’s another huge confidence booster. I can recommend it for your foundation application, especially if you require a lot of coverage and want to venture out in public. You will get great smooth coverage and look more natural. Applying eyeliner, mascara and lipstick literally sends me in raptures of pure pleasure! I adore wearing make-up and love how it makes me feel. Once the make-up is on my face I find I urgently have to don my wig, pull on my knickers (panties) and put on a bra and fill it with my breast forms, suddenly I feel I am more woman than man. I next enjoy taking my time sitting in my lingerie, in my make-up and with my feminine hair, and painting my nails. If you are a male to female cross-dresser you will know what comes next. The moment has arrived to pull on tights (pantyhose) and pull on a dress before then slipping on a pair of high heels. I always love the moment of standing up as a woman at this point and enjoy the fact the man within has gone. Adding a dash of perfume and attaching ear-rings is the final touch beard a moment of sheer emotional intoxication takes over. Again, I find myself so suffused with inner joy at finally escaping my male self and embracing my female self that I need to take awhile to calm and settle into my female persona. That’s the background to what occurs next and which I’ve compiled into this brief video. The video captures my own joy at being a closer to presenting myself as a woman and how I can hardly believe I have actually just transformed myself away from beg a male. I think vanity and obsession kick in and I find myself looking at myself in the mirror a lot and taking lots of photos to remind myself I did actually do this. For many years photos were all I had of myself as my female alter-ego when, inevitably, I began to wonder do I actually look female? Personally, I always see my male self in my female appearance, which is a bit crushing emotionally, but I see some potential that if I work on it i may just one day pass as a woman and never be perceived as male. As I became more curious about my efforts to look like a woman I came across a video on Flickr by Michelle Bennet in America. This, along with her patient encouragement as we corresponded, resulted in me recording my first video as a woman in June 2010. Video proved very revealing and far less forgiving than choosing the ‘good photo’ which is the way I used to do things. Most of the photos I took were deleted and only certain images where things were captured right were retained. Video was exciting, I was suddenly seeing myself not just dressed as a woman but moving and I realised I had to try harder if I wanted to become a woman during the times I cross-dressed. It was really exciting and I drew on Michelle’s inspiration greatly. also found video was great for opening up about being a transvestite. I found it incredibly liberating to appear as a woman on camera and just chat about all the things I had suppressed for decades. Video has now become my outlet for self expression in regard to my female side. I Idid notice in my videos that often, before I began to chat on camera, I would be examining myself on the screen. This is partly vanity (well a lot really) and partly the sheer amazement I am dressed as a woman and in make-up. I find since I began using my phone for video I ca see myself clearly on the screen and I keep checking myself out! I find myself examining my make-up and wig and outfits in detail and despite the vanity of such actions, it is good at providing instant feedback on my efforts to look and act as if I am a female. These days I believe in admitting to all the things I’ve gone through in my quest to become a convincing looking woman when I cross-dress and I think it’s good to embrace your needs, desires and your past. I’ve gone through the whole micro skirts, skyscraper high heels and over the top make-up trying to act overtly sexy so why deny it, it happened and I loved doing it at the time. Go for it I say! My quest these days is to pass in the real world as a woman. I found that thinking yourself into the gender and making that work unconsciously helps amazingly in your efforts to pass as a woman. Sometimes I surprise myself with the thoughts that I have when I am dressed as a woman. I definitely enjoy leaving the man behind and thinking as a female, its shocking, and exciting and genuinely thrilling when you realise you’ve crossed the line in your head! Returning to this truly self indulgent video, I’ve compiled a few shots of myself checking out my look and would encourage others to give it a go as it really does help you evolve and improve with your make-up and hair and body movements and it is rather fun! It’s not really very structured as a video but as I am currently not able to cross-dress and become the woman I like to spend time as I am coping with my desire by posting indulgent videos like this one to help me cope and build anticipation for my next opportunity. Despite being a man I love being a woman!



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