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truth: always uglier, but always funny

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posted by alias *Starbuck* on Thursday 1st of January 2009 08:10:24 AM

For my third (and probably final) 100 list I thought I'd take an interesting look at myself for an image. What you see on the let is plain, old me. That dark circle around my eye? Been that way my whole life. Every day I have to look at myself and see someone much older than I really am, the wrinkles, the glasses, the chronic exhausted appearance from the circles under my eyes (not to mention the white hairs that started coming in at 25!). Thanks, however, to contact lenses, mineral make up, high lights from the salon, good lighting and a hand from Photoshop I can be the person I want to be, although I went a touch heavy on the glow effect up there on my forehead. ; ) I didn't care to redo it, though, as this is merely a partial illustration of the truth, our perceptions, our own reality, and our own minds. God knows if I could change one thing about myself it would be my eyes. I still say my life is proof that the truth is always funnier and stranger than anything anyone could imagine. Now, onto the fun... This is my third 100 list. My first has over 20k views and will be difficult to trump. I once knew a pet Iguana named Sydney. He was killed by a bolt of lightning. I still want more tattoos. I know of three; I am running out of real estate I am willing to devote, however, to ink, and now I will have to fly 3000 miles to get my tattoos done. I read the final Harry Potter book in its entirety the day it came out. I had to take a nap after lunch time, but I still got it all in. I couldn’t wait to see how it ended. Inexplicably I have turned into a bit of a girly girl as I push 30 (rapidly). Maybe it’s that I’ve finally learned how to take care of myself after years of neglect. I miss my high school English teacher, Colleen Hill. I would love to have her feedback on my Blender Story. I have always been drawn to tall, skinny men with dark hair and big noses. Ned in Pushing Daisies. Jeff Goldblum. I even think Allan Rickman is sexy as Snape in the Harry Potter movies. Adrian Brody. Yeah, that’s the type. Henry Rollins is on the list too, although he’s short. He stays for various other reasons. I feel more like myself every day that passes since January 12, 2006. I have a crippling, paralyzing, vertigo-inducing fear of heights and bridges. Yet I curiously love roller coasters, and don’t fear flying. I love the smell in the air just before a big rain storm comes through in the summer. The news hasn’t been the same for me since Peter Jennings died. I met and fell in love with a man I met accidentally on flickr. I am never changing my legal name again. I got to see Elvis Costello on my 27th birthday. I got to see him again for my 29th birthday, opening for The Police. If I ever had a kid I would want them to learn sign language and how to swim when they were really little. I am frantically trying to find the motivation to finish my degree. You’d think my time unemployed would have allowed me to do so, but being unemployed and looking for a job is extremely stressful and the idea of medical terminology on top of that? UGH! I hate the Cult of Oprah. God forbid a tv personality ever dictates who I vote for, what I buy for Christmas, or how I feel about myself. Shame on those housewives for worshiping her. Shame. If I never go camping again in my life it will be too soon. Besides, with my luck, if I went camping in Oregon I’d be molested by a Sasquatch. I had a pet budgie named Cecil when I was little and he could whistle the Bonanza theme song. Now I would feel guilty having a pet bird because I think birds should be free to fly. Packing is dreadful. I have done it five times in two years. I believe organized religion is the root of intolerance. But I’m not saying I’m an atheist, either. (Just some days.) But I won’t go to hell, because I think that’s total bullshit. I had a cat named Spud Tater Piggy Puss Puss. We called him Spot for short. It took me four years of active searching to find the perfect couch. I am embarrassed about my birthmark every morning when I face the mirror. I always tell people I love what I am really thinking and feeling, even when their potential reaction is terrifying. I am afraid to have to take care of anyone again. But I would. I want to listen more. I love me a good drag queen. Always have. I hated every second of passing through Nebraska. Even the time when we saw the errant camel and the giraffe, it wasn’t enough to make up for how much I just hate Nebraska. My baby album stops about the age of 2. I don’t know what happened but documentation of my childhood is spotty after that. Having my tonsils out at 28 wasn’t the worst event of my life, despite horrific warnings from friends and doctors. I’d still only wish it on a few people, but overall I enjoyed sleeping all day for two weeks straight. And I don’t snore anymore. : ) I only started enjoying food in the last few years. I was a picky eater until recently, and that included avoiding things that I now love. Like curry. Part of it was fear, and part of it was fear of my food allergies. I can’t wait to go from a low G to a high D. Only my closest friends know what I mean. I’m not graceful. I can’t wait for my first real vacation with Patrick. My imagination has been known to get the best of me. I’ve had two amazing girls’ weekends: one in Vegas with my friend Amy and another in Lubec, Maine with my theatre girlfriends. They couldn’t have been more different in setting and activities, but the memories are just as important and wonderful from each experience. I hate peanut butter, and in particular, Reese’s Pieces, which are the second-most vile candy in the world behind black licorice. However, I enjoy the miniature peanut butter cups because it’s the perfect chocolate to peanut butter ratio. I love when I come in the house with the dogs after being outside and Gromit’s fur is all warm from the sun. There are things I can do for myself that I prefer to pay someone else to do, like oil changes. I have never been in a wedding aside from my own. When friends get married I usually wind up with the camera. I tamed a feral cat I found in a dumpster. It took months of patience and cured meats, but it was worth it. She was the best cat ever. She was even toilet trained. I am lucky enough to have three people in my life I can tell anything to. I have all the confidence in the world thanks to community theatre. I have poor self esteem thanks to years of abuse and I have days of extremely painful insecurity and feeling like I’m less than. I picked up a paintbrush and completed a painting for the first time in years the winter of 2008. It felt really great to return to something I love. The painting was a gift, and if I hadn’t had the inclination to do something for someone special I probably wouldn’t have dug out my paints. I dropped my pink cell phone in a toilet. That was the end of that. I love warm yellow cake, even without frosting. I was nominated for Best Actress in a Musical for playing Rosie Alvarez in Bye Bye Birdie last year. I won. : ) I have bad joints and chronic pain. I try not to whine about it but sometimes I can’t help myself. I threw a party in my backyard in the summer of 2007 complete with a bonfire. It was a mini high school reunion, only full of the people who wouldn’t go NEAR a reunion if you paid them. It was probably way more fun than our ten year would have been anyway, and a spontaneous drum circle erupted. I’m still not sure how I feel about that portion of the evening. I have a knack for making strange friends in strange ways and despite how confident I was starting over wouldn’t be the end of the world…I’ve been pretty miserable. I love stealing kisses in public. Not a gross display, just kisses. I want to pay someone to clean house for me. If I never have to vacuum or clean a bathroom again it will be pure bliss. I love meat but couldn’t do the Atkins diet because I love French Toast and potatoes too much. And stuffing. God I love stuffing! Holding hands with someone you love is underrated. When my step daughter spends the night at my house we stay up all night talking like teenagers. I am always exhausted the next day but it’s worth it. Sometimes I need inspiration to do the simplest things. Without that motivation I slack on things. With motivation I’ve been known to go against my very instinct and not regret it afterward. While I love spending time in a pool I am actually terrified of water because I suck at swimming. Sometimes I find routine comforting. Other days it makes me crazy. I need a healthy mix. I still prefer cats to dogs by a small margin. If dogs could purr it would be an even split. I want to save more room for dessert when I go out. I so rarely order dessert. I wish I had spent more time in NYC when I was working there part time. I would work, go to dinner, and crash. I should have had my camera out. My parents are talking again after a nasty divorce. I’m still not talking to my mother and vice-versa. I am desperate to spend a month in Australia. I also want to see the “snow monkeys” in Japan. And maybe the lemurs on Madagascar. I have an inexplicable and uncontrollable urge to dance when I hear a shitty, catchy techno song. I even own a few horrible tracks. Thank you, iTunes. Summer isn’t long enough. One morning a couple of years ago at the office I ate one of those Entenmann’s Raspberry Strudel things in one sitting. I was mortified when I realized it was gone before lunch time, but dammit I was hungry and it was tasty. I’ve been really, truly in love twice in my life. I consider myself lucky to have found it that many times. I have a nervous stomach. When I’m stressed I always feel like curling up in a ball and clutching my stomach until it passes. I love watching cats clean their faces. I had the best moment of my life when I was alone, utterly alone, in the desert. I was in Sedona, driving, and I yelled out loud, “I LOVE MY LIFE!” But I still prefer to share life with others. I have my days I consider selling all my photography equipment and walking away for good. I wonder if I would miss it, or if anyone would notice. I think women should have evolved beyond a monthly period by now. I wonder what it would be like to be a dog walker instead of working in an office. I’m still fearful, almost five years after my near-death experience, when I see a white pick up truck coming at me. I own a good number of CDs I rarely listen to. But I know if get rid of them I will want to listen and it will be too late. So I keep them. My last tetanus shot hurt worse than my tonsillectomy. My only regret? I should have had a lot more sex with more people. Sad but true. What’s a number, really? (Don’t tell my step daughter that.) Morrissey walked off stage after 7 songs when I finally got to see him. I was unable to go see the rescheduled concert, sadly. I cannot resist a pair of pin-up style heels. As much as I love my heels I practically live in my Birks during the summer. I won’t swim in the ocean and in exchange I won’t eat fish of any kind, ever. Me and the ocean, our relationship ends at wading. My father tortured my best friend and I for years, he refused to tell us the “dirtiest joke” he’d ever heard until we were 18. After years of anticipation…the joke really sucked. However, I have since learned the world’s most tasteless joke and enjoy springing it on people. My bread machine was one of the best gifts ever. I text message all the time with my step daughter. 21st century parenting… One of the scariest things I’ve ever seen in my life was my dog Gromit being attacked by another dog. I have raised both of my dogs since they were just 8 weeks old and I thought I was going to see one of my babies killed. When I get around to buying a home I am going to have a hot tub. Or a giant whirlpool tub in my bathroom. I just need a big, deep, warm, bubbly tub at my disposal. I have been separated by thousands of miles from someone I care about, and I have seen the sun rise while we’re still on the phone talking. I finally stopped wearing my retainer in the last year without major recourse. I haven’t gotten rid of it yet, though, just in case. I would be miserable if I hadn’t gotten braces 11 years ago. My hands are always in rough shape, with scratches and scars, I don’t know what I do to myself but my hands take a great deal of abuse. But I have cute toes. I hated the idea of “romance” until I was presented with it. Now I’m smitten. I need to throw away more things. I love those giant fruit bats that look like Chihuahuas. Maybe it’s because I had a pet Chihuahua growing up. I was in a car with four other people one night in Hackensack, NJ and went to a White Castle at 1:30 in the morning where we ordered “fifteen cheeseburgers”, when asked if we wanted anything else the driver yelled, “oh, and a small diet coke!” I love argyle socks and stockings. I still fear shooting weddings strictly digital - I know just as much can go wrong with film, but I’ve never gotten over that mental hump. That and I hate having to work up all the photos myself afterwards instead of dropping off film. My photo of me with The Proclaimers is one of my favorite photos in the world! My best friend and I can sing along to the album Sunshine on Leith complete with an amazing accent, and we had so much fun at the show last year! I can’t sleep with any lights on in my room, even the LED of an alarm clock or VCR gives me a massive migraine the next morning. Both of my dogs answer to the name, “Asshole!” I am the woman who rescues baby birds from the ground and turtles from the middle of the road. I missed out on most of my 20s. I am working hard to make up for it.

How Hot Is White Lightning Chocolate,
How Hot Is White Lightning,

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